I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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