Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
