I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize