Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
