Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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