I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
