My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize