I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
