Don't make out with my wife yet
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
