I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
