I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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