I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
