Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
