i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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