And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
