you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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