Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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