I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
