Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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