That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
