I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
