I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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