woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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