In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
