her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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