i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
