I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Your dad touched me again.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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