Moan for me like Helen Keller
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
