my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
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