so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
