The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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