Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
