Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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