I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
