I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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