One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize