I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
