How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize