I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
