Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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