the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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