I am puke
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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