Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
