If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i just sent this text using only my big toe
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
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