I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
