i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
