Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
