seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
