Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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