I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
