How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
