anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
