The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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