does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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