You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
