That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
